I've been listening to a lot of Linkin Park lately, it kind of goes with the territory with me when I'm feeling like hell. Michael always says I'm too easily affected by music. It's just...when you listen to their newest album and then think about what happened to Chester in May, like it's difficult to still see the light at the end. Linkin Park were a massive influence on me growing up, I think I started listening to them through my older brothers wall when he'd play them too loud, then when I hit my teens I got interested and invested. So, it's really...heartbreaking to see that video that Talinda Bennington posted, (Chester's wife), of Chester laughing and having fun with his family just hours before taking his life, like shit it hits somewhere deep.
I think a lot of perspectives on depression have changed since that video surfaced, because depression is a chemical imbalance, it's not just another 'low', it's not 'you're just sad, everyone gets sad', it's I can't breathe because my own voice is telling me I'm not good enough, telling me it'd be better for everyone if I died, telling me that Michael would be happier with someone else...and so on. Then it's laughing, crying with laughter, being proud of my fur babies for their progress. It's complicated and shitty and it's something I've been trying so hard to work on since I turned 14. I'm 21 now. Today was a better day in some ways, in some ways it was worse. I spoke with my mum, and it was nice and actually a relief to speak to her, it's been a few weeks (I think), since we'd last spoken. We spoke about a lot of stuff, and I realised whilst talking to mum about my health that I felt like I was in a jellied state of motion. I can't tell the passing of time anymore, hence above being unsure when the last time I spoke to mum was, I'm just kind of desperate to find a job so I can keep up something as simple as knowing the day and date. And people. Let's face it, I have no friends, uni friends haven't really translated to real life, I never had many friends in uni anyway, even less in my third year, god that fucking sucked. I'm worried I'm going to spend my life in some kind of perpetual loop of friendlessness. It's a scary thought. I've just got to make the first leap though, soon enough I have to. But. Keep the fight going. Just keep going. That's all I have to do. Pick my feet up and carry on walking. If not for myself then for my family, the love of my life and my fur babies. I'm lucky, I'm so lucky I just need to remember that. Stay safe out there kiddos, it's a cruel world but at least we have pets.
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Today has been...a day.
My boyfriend left for work at half two, and won't be back until half ten, without him around life is a little more...agonising. I've spent the day applying for jobs and playing Warframe, and getting stressed out of my mind. Applications are hard, and it feels like I'm not qualified for anything, but it's okay - I have to keep telling myself it's okay, because at the end of the day any job is okay - I want to end up working with animals and everything I do is a step towards that. I just need to remember that. I can't tell if I feel better or worse for opening up and writing in my blog again, it's kind of scary knowing any one could be reading this. I wish I had the energy to clean the house, but it's really quite difficult to motivate myself when I feel like hell nearly all the time, heck, sometimes I don't even have the motivation for a cup of tea. I think...once I get a job, I'll settle more into myself again, it's just right now it's too easy to become insular and separate - for example I don't really have any friends. Not really, I find it difficult and energy draining to keep up contact and even though I've been living in Morecambe for three months now I still haven't made any friends. That'll come with a job, I'm sure. But still. It's a pretty isolated life. Just myself, my boyfriend and our four furry babies. Sometimes the loneliness makes me feel suicidal, sometimes it makes me feel safe. At the end of the day, I'm just glad that when my boyfriend says he loves me, he means it. Otherwise, I'd probably be long gone. This has been a pretty morbid post, sorry about that. Hopefully tomorrow will be a different day. Always love yourself. Peace. |
AuthorFrancesca, studied English & Creative Writing BA Hons. Gamer and poet. Socially anxious. ArchivesCategories |