It means that everything must return to the middle eventually, it can't be bad forever and it can't be good forever. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope down the bad end of the stick.
Searching for jobs is exhausting both mentally and physically and I feel awful for getting stressed because I'm acutely aware of how stressed my boyfriend is right now, he doesn't get days off. Everyday is like a day off for me. It really accentuates the anxiety when you're being told you're unqualified for a job you know you're qualified for, or when you're told you're too qualified for a job, like just give me the bloody job. I could care less about my degree. I just want the possibility of friendships. I just wonder how long this episode is going to last. I'm doing the best I can but I know it's not good enough for me, for anyone. It's like I'm drowning in my own fear, this anxiety is killing me, and I'm letting it. So, I'm getting back into writing, writing helps me deal with it. It's better to write than think about suicide. I can do this. I've always managed before. I can manage again. I'm not sure it's entirely healthy to try and hide the amount of stress and anxiety I'm hiding right now, but I don't have a choice. Or rather, this is my choice until things smooth out a bit. Sorry for the jumbled mess of a blogpost. Enjoy this picture of my baby Frida.
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Today is a strange day.
My boyfriend left a few hours ago to begin his Masters degree, and I'm at home excited/nervous about my job interview with B&Q on Monday. The phone interview went really well and I'm so utterly proud of myself for it, the man I was talking to was super friendly and actually put me at ease a bit. I'm getting much better at using the phone, which is another thing I'm proud of. It's been my arch-nemesis my entire life, which is weird, what's the psychology behind being terrified to talk on the phone? Anyone? I really hope I ace the interview, I want this job so badly. Not only cause then I'd have a job, but because I know how friendly and lovely the staff are - every B&Q I've been they've always been so helpful and nice. I wanna be a part of that. Plus it gives me a chance to use my creativity elsewhere, I like talking about projects and DIY hopes and dreams, it's fascinating and I know that I'll be on the first line of helping a customer figure out what they want their home to be like. Like, how exciting is that? Either way, a job in DIY is really going to help me later on in life I feel - given that I want to go down the animal care root. It'd be really nice to build my own kennels and runs for animals. :) I've also been far more body positive lately, which is really nice, honestly, yesterday I actually felt good about myself. It's a big step for me - but I'm making them one at a time at my own pace. Things are finally going to be okay, it seems. |
AuthorFrancesca, studied English & Creative Writing BA Hons. Gamer and poet. Socially anxious. ArchivesCategories |